Ivy Coach’s free consultation is designed to answer questions about our service offerings. So you’d think people would just ask questions about our services. But, of course, people are people and people from time to time say the strangest things on these calls. So, today, we figured we’d share with you ten things that people have said aloud during free consultations over the years that inspire us to want to end the call and take a shower thereafter. Ready? Here goes! We’ve even included what we’re thinking — but hopefully not saying aloud (depending on the day) — during the call.

10. “My son got into Princeton so I really already understand this process and I don’t think I need help.” So then why are you calling us? Do you call a plumber when your sink is working perfectly? If you think you’re already a master at the elite college admissions process, we’re not going to try to convince you otherwise. You do you.

9. “My family is a major donor to Harvard. We’ve donated $300,000.” Really? You think that’ll make the difference? You think $300,000 will lead Harvard to reserve a slot in admissions for your child? Oy vey! They will, however, send you a nice thank you note and add you to their mailing list.

8. “My daughter has perfect grades and a perfect SAT score. She’s the captain of her cheerleading team. She’s applying to Yale.” Captain of the cheerleading team, eh? While your daughter’s cheer captain, admissions officers were sitting on the bleachers back when they were in high school. They’re not exactly rooting for the next great American cheerleader and that’s the whole game…to get admissions officers to root for your daughter.

7. “My son has a 4.37 GPA and a 1490 SAT score. What are his chances? Where should he be applying Early?” We don’t know what courses your son is in. We don’t know where he goes to high school. We can’t see his transcript. This call is only to answer questions about our services. If you want that sort of advice, it’s all part of our initial one-hour evaluation during which we’re privy to your son’s transcript, testing, extracurriculars, etc. If anyone should answer that question site unseen, we suggest you run, run fast, and run for the hills as that answer will be meaningless.

6. “I was expecting your call. That’s why I’m calling 15 minutes late.” You were told via email to please call a number at a certain time. You were also sent a text reminder an hour before the call with the same instruction. So clearly you have a direction following issue. And that sure can surface in the college admissions process! But sorry for the confusion, our apologies.

5. “My daughter was admitted to Cornell last year but she didn’t want to go. She decided to take a gap year instead so that she can re-apply to other top schools.” Well, that’s a mistake. Why would she not go to Cornell and then apply as a transfer to other schools if she didn’t love Cornell when she got there? Elite colleges get scared of students who are a year outside of a high school curriculum. The gap year is not all it’s cracked up to be.

4. “What is the purpose of this call if not to discuss my son?” To discuss our services, as we wrote you. Hello!

3. “My daughter has all A’s and a 1590 SAT score. She paints, plays volleyball, is a great chess player, and she volunteers at a homeless shelter…” Wake us up when you’re done!

2. “I don’t think going to a great college matters all that much.” Ok, you’re entitled to your opinion. So why are you calling us again?

1. “My son likes to eat pie. He’s not all that bright and we’re not sure if he can get into a top school. But he does like pie.” Refreshing! When so many parents brag about their children, how refreshing it is to learn about the boy who likes pie. Rhubarb or cherry?