At Ivy Coach, we offer a free 20-minute consultation to prospective clients in order to answer questions about our service offerings. This call, as detailed extensively in our email communications and on our website, is not to discuss a student’s case for admission. Rather, it’s an opportunity to ask questions about our work so parents fully understand what they’d be signing up for when enlisting our services. In fact, we don’t let anyone sign up for our services — no matter how eager they may be to pay — unless they’ve completed our free consult. And why? Because we want people to know what they’re buying. We want to make sure they know our approach. We want to make sure they know how straightforward we are and how we’re not going to tell you what you want to hear just to make you happy. In many ways, our free consult serve as much as a filter for us as they do for prospective clients. So what exactly do some of the more, well, annoying parents say during these calls that’s particularly irritating? Allow us to vent!

Here are ten things some of the most annoying parents say during these calls followed by the thoughts — in italics — swirling through our heads when they utter such words.

1. Can you guarantee my daughter’s case for admission? No, no one can and if anyone should do so, we suggest you run, run fast, and run for the hills! All we can do is give your daughter the best case possible for admission. And if that’s not enough for you, well, then we’re not the right fit.
2. I was considering working with a student who recently successfully navigated the college admissions process. Since my daughter is around their age, wouldn’t this be ideal? Oy vey! Go with God!
3. What we need is help with all of the applications, all of the essays, everything in time for the Early deadline. You’re coming to us in mid-October of your son’s senior year. What you need is better time-management skills.
4. My son likes Riverdale. He eats Cheerios for breakfast, has a 4.9 GPA, a 1580 on his SAT, loves baseball…This is a call to answer questions about our services, not to discuss your son’s breakfast choices.
5. My daughter is applying Early to Brown. Her application is all set. Her essays are all done. We just need someone to kind of put the stamp of approval on it. We don’t do that. The chances we just put our stamp of approval on everything she’s done are slim to none. You’re looking to just be told what you want to hear. That’s not us.
6. I already helped my older son get into Harvard. So I fully understand the process. So why again are you coming to us then? To brag that your son got into Harvard? Congratulations!
7. I read your blog daily so what more is there I need to know as my daughter navigates the admissions process? You think we give away Ivy Coach’s secret sauce on our blog? That’s so cute!
8. I’m considering you along with 17 other college consulting firms. Why should I choose you? Why should we choose you?
9. My son has C grades and a 1210 SAT. Both my wife and I attended Harvard. My son will be applying to Harvard Early Action. We’d like you to hear what you have to say. Did you mean Hartford or Harvard?
10. I’d like to donate $1 million to Harvard to help my son earn admission. Did you say $1 million? Did you forget a zero? Perhaps a rounding error?